I have been avoiding writing this post for 4 weeks now. Sorry, but my heart has just needed the time to acclimate. The US has officially stated that they will not push the adoption issue with Liberia any further... and that families like ours will just have to wait and see what happens with Liberia's laws in this next year. In other words... "we can't help you."
Not really what we wanted to hear, but it's true. We need God to reveal his ways to Liberia's leaders and lawmakers... so that they will make wise decisions about things in the months to come. What they decide will determine whether or not adoption is continued in Liberia at all, and if Kelvin and Hawa can come to be part of our family.
We can no longer say we know that the kids will one day live in our home and be our family. We don't know, not for sure. What we do know is that we love them. We will take care of them from afar, and we will ask for the Lord to bring this to completion in the way we have always hoped. He may not... and we will deal with that, if it comes with finality, at some point. For now, we still hold on to the hope that comes in trusting a God as big and as worthy as ours.
I had a few weeks in the last month or so when I lost that hope. In a way, I let go of that image of them being held by me and being part of our lives everyday. I got cynical and bitter and my heart was hard. It was really difficult to think of adoption at all... because this last 2+ years have been filled with disappointment. I just kind of gave in to it finally. Yuck, huh? Thankfully and mercifully, God is patient with me. He is the lifter of my head. He showed me that I was disappointed and bitter because my hope has been placed in an event; Kelvin and Hawa coming home. Not on HIM, and him alone. If my focus and hope were in Christ, then I would never be disappointed by circumstances. Don't get me wrong... circumstances can be extremely disappointing... but if my focus is Christ, then that disappointment does not lead to dispair or loss of HOPE, it is just a refining circumstance. This is not coming out clearly, sorry. I just know that God replaced my hard heart with a softer one as I kept asking him to do so. I knew I didn't want to be in that place, and he has been faithful to soften me and hold me.
So, here we are. I wish I could say that we'd be picking the kids up tomorrow, but the truth is that I just need to be content where God has all of us. I'm really peaceful right now. I long for them, but I am certain that the Lord is caring for my children so much better than I could right now. I am choosing to wait upon him; to ask him, and trust him, for his will. It's not always easy for me to choose this attitude, but God has said "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I want to respond like Paul did when he replied, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:9-10)
Hawa's 5th birthday is tomorrow. We sent her a birthday e-mail today. :) Apparently she is aware that it's her birthday, and she asked Miss Georgia for a cake and a party! Anika, Asher and I are going to make cupcakes to celebrate her birthday tomorrow, and party for her... as we thank the Lord for her life.