I wanted to share this link from a fellow adoptive mom that I know because it really expresses how I feel... without me having to take the time to write it all down! Sonya graciously gave me permission to share it with you. I have not had many of her experiences, but lots of the things she addresses I can relate to. And even the song she mentions is one I heard a month or so ago, and tears rolled down my cheeks as it resonated with the truth that God has set inside my heart; God uses hard things. Anyway... wanted to share it with you.
http://respondinginfaith.wordpress.com/2011/06/15/blessings/
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Eleven Weeks and Counting
Here we are, just over 11 weeks since our family physically changed from 4 to 6. I just read my last post... and find myself encouraged at how different things are even just one month later. While many things remain the same, and quite challenging, there are MANY things that are being learned! For instance:
~Kelvin was SUPER pleasant and respectful and hard-working during his school time with me this morning.
~Hawa ate green beans without melting down or gagging last night. She even said, "I LOVE dem!" Well, we'll see what happens next time... :)
~ Asher (with real, not manufactured, kindness) allowed Kelvin and Hawa into his room to play this morning, and shared his things, without being terrified that they would be ruined for life.
~Anika volunteered to help Hawa with something instead of hiding in a book to avoid the chaos that is her little sister.
~ Less major behavior issues... and more ability to work through it with us instead.
~Less fighting between my Liberians... seriously, it was ridiculous before.
~ No one was outside my bathroom door this morning, looking under the crack at my feet as I got showered and ready... just waiting for Mom. Three kids actually were interacting (without disrespectfulness or fighting!!) and one snuggled in my bed.
I really have nothing to complain about. AT ALL. Many, many adoption transitions look much more difficult than this. It's hard. I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally from the energy and time things take... preventing problems, being vigilant to see the problems, dealing with the problems. BUT, God is so faithful each day. It's not supposed to be easy.
I am really focused on the core priorities... the Lord, Jason, and my kids. There's just not too much else that I have time for. I have no idea what's happening in the world. I have only read 2 short books in the last 3 months, which for me, is tragic. Never heard "Mr. Popper's Penguins" was being made into a movie until I saw a billboard in the cities last week (which better be good, cuz we love the book). Haven't talked to or spent time with most of my friends & family in many months. But you know what? I really am OK with that. This is where I'm supposed to be right now.
I can get selfish. It's not pretty. Last night, I was DONE. I wanted the kids in bed so I could not hear, "Moo-mah" or "Mama", or "Mom" one more time. Jason was joking about seeking shelter and hiring extra protection for himself... so I must have been a little too obvious with my feelings. Anyway, we're making it. And I'm TRYING to look for the moments that matter. The ones that make you smile in the midst of the insanity. Like when Anika tells me I'm beautiful and looks at me with eyes that seriously communicate how much she adores me... and I well up with thankfulness for this precious girl. Or like when Asher giggles uncontrollably when I zerbert his belly... and then begs for more. Or when I ask Kelvin to tell me some things that make him feel loved, and he whispers in my ear, "hugs and kisses." Or when I pick Hawa up and hold her, and she turns her huge eyes to me and says, "My Mama jus ree-lee love me so mush."
It helps erase the hard stuff. It makes it worth it. I know I'm totally doctrinally incorrect and ascribing humanness to the divine here, but maybe God feels the same way with me... exhausted from the stuff I try to pull, and the time and energy is takes to help me through my problems. But, maybe when I stop and fix my eyes on him, and tell him how much I need him and adore him, it makes it all worth it... and he sits back and smiles.
~Kelvin was SUPER pleasant and respectful and hard-working during his school time with me this morning.
~Hawa ate green beans without melting down or gagging last night. She even said, "I LOVE dem!" Well, we'll see what happens next time... :)
~ Asher (with real, not manufactured, kindness) allowed Kelvin and Hawa into his room to play this morning, and shared his things, without being terrified that they would be ruined for life.
~Anika volunteered to help Hawa with something instead of hiding in a book to avoid the chaos that is her little sister.
~ Less major behavior issues... and more ability to work through it with us instead.
~Less fighting between my Liberians... seriously, it was ridiculous before.
~ No one was outside my bathroom door this morning, looking under the crack at my feet as I got showered and ready... just waiting for Mom. Three kids actually were interacting (without disrespectfulness or fighting!!) and one snuggled in my bed.
I really have nothing to complain about. AT ALL. Many, many adoption transitions look much more difficult than this. It's hard. I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally from the energy and time things take... preventing problems, being vigilant to see the problems, dealing with the problems. BUT, God is so faithful each day. It's not supposed to be easy.
I am really focused on the core priorities... the Lord, Jason, and my kids. There's just not too much else that I have time for. I have no idea what's happening in the world. I have only read 2 short books in the last 3 months, which for me, is tragic. Never heard "Mr. Popper's Penguins" was being made into a movie until I saw a billboard in the cities last week (which better be good, cuz we love the book). Haven't talked to or spent time with most of my friends & family in many months. But you know what? I really am OK with that. This is where I'm supposed to be right now.
I can get selfish. It's not pretty. Last night, I was DONE. I wanted the kids in bed so I could not hear, "Moo-mah" or "Mama", or "Mom" one more time. Jason was joking about seeking shelter and hiring extra protection for himself... so I must have been a little too obvious with my feelings. Anyway, we're making it. And I'm TRYING to look for the moments that matter. The ones that make you smile in the midst of the insanity. Like when Anika tells me I'm beautiful and looks at me with eyes that seriously communicate how much she adores me... and I well up with thankfulness for this precious girl. Or like when Asher giggles uncontrollably when I zerbert his belly... and then begs for more. Or when I ask Kelvin to tell me some things that make him feel loved, and he whispers in my ear, "hugs and kisses." Or when I pick Hawa up and hold her, and she turns her huge eyes to me and says, "My Mama jus ree-lee love me so mush."
It helps erase the hard stuff. It makes it worth it. I know I'm totally doctrinally incorrect and ascribing humanness to the divine here, but maybe God feels the same way with me... exhausted from the stuff I try to pull, and the time and energy is takes to help me through my problems. But, maybe when I stop and fix my eyes on him, and tell him how much I need him and adore him, it makes it all worth it... and he sits back and smiles.
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